BONUS EPISODE: self-sufficiency

 self-sufficiency as a skill.. or disadvantage? 🌗

    ❥ i've been called 'hyper-independent' for as long as i can remember. now, without delving too deep into childhood whatevers, i'll just say that this was never by choice. throughout my life, and i'm sure you through your lives, people have continued to let me down when i try to let them in. from my experience, vulnerability is a door to the possibility of being more hurt than you would by yourself. 

    ❥ this ties back to the high expectations that i have for myself that i also, unfortunately tend to put onto others. my thought process is essentially, if i would or wouldn't do that, why would they? which sometimes is a good trait to have, but i tend to take it too far. i don't want to hold things against people that they don't even know i expect from them. i don't think that's very realistic reasoning on my part. however, it is definitely not bad to have a high hypothetical bar for people to reach. so, when they act in ways that are exceptionally thoughtful or dedicated, you can appreciate them for what they did. 

    ❥ although sometimes it feels that everything would be easier if i just did it myself, or i would be happier if i just kept everyone in my life at arm's distance, that is just such a sad way to live. the zest and fire of life comes from the idea that you can make others feel, and they can make you feel in return. feeling is such a beautiful, physical factor of life that it would be such a shame to eliminate elements of your life to prevent feeling a certain way. obviously nobody wants to feel sad, or angry, or disappointed, or hurt. but isn't it beautiful that we get to feel those emotions in the first place? i'm thinking call me by your name dad monologue, if you get my gist. 

    ❥ it circles back to the idea that if everybody on the earth were the same, we would live such bland and senseless existences. disagreements harbor (hopefully) conversation; the widening of perspectives. and even if you don't end up seeing a different point of view, you further understand yours because you've tried to convince someone else of your way of thinking. it's truly a beautiful thing to have different opinions or viewpoints on things and to be able to share them with others on this earth. (this, of course, excludes right-wing, fascist, anti- anything other than cishet whiteness, those people just need to be expelled from the world. obviously.) 

    ❥ let's regroup. alright team. i want to talk about self-sufficiency. is it a valuable life skill? or ultimately a disability of emotional openness and vulnerability? to this i raise a "there is never an or. only and." i believe that one cannot exist without the other. 

     ❥ as somebody that unabashedly tells people that they aren't doing something the way i asked, or that i should've done something by myself because i don't need them, these remarks come from a place of hurt and disappointment. hurt, because i feel like asking for help or receiving help is a show of vulnerability, an 'i need you' to the person you're asking. so then failure feels like an 'i told you so' from the part of me that wants to keep everyone away to the part of me that wants to have hope that others will succeed in my trials. disappointment because i can't believe that i trusted someone to do something for me in a way that satisfies my expectations. then the solution is to lower your expectations, right? that's my predicament: i don't want to. and that may make me sound like a spoiled brat.. then so be it! i don't want to settle. sometimes i don't want to prioritize someone's feelings by making them feel like they helped me over my own dissatisfaction with the performance they botched. and that's just me being stubborn, i know that. maybe one day i'll change.

     ❥ but for now, i'll just keep letting people in and letting them hurt me. because is that not the magnificent exchange of love? you let hope take over, then you're either shot with a bullet that tells you you were right to be skeptical, or you are engulfed in the softest, warmest flower petals you've ever had the pleasure to touch. the important thing i've learned is to not let it thrust you over the edge into the abyss of apathy. fuck that. apathy is such a pathetic solution to the 'problem' of feeling something. letting yourself feel, no matter what it is, is the most nurturing thing you can do to grow your mind, body, and soul. allow yourself to feel, then tend your wounds. in my humble (and always correct) opinion, this is the truest, most valiant form of self-sufficiency. it is not the lack of including others in your life, it's showing yourself the kindness and grace that you know you need to go on. 

     ❥ even though i already wrote today i was thinking about this and wanted to write again.. LOL. i hope you gained something from this because honestly this has been a really selfish post and i mostly just wanted to talk through something i've been battling for a little bit LOL 

                    as always, thank you for reading. if you have any thoughts about this, reach out and we can chat, i'd love to hear what you have to say. email is shrimpfriedrice95@gmail.com

                                    love always, hiragiblu❦

my first blog post (death, banana yoshimoto, winter sadness)

 my first blog post💌

    ❥ this has been the coldest winter ever. probably not true (historically or scientifically) but feelings-wise, it is true to me. i'm not sure why it didn't hit me before, but this winter felt grayer and sadder than any other winter in my life. december through february (now) felt like a sad cloudy cold prison that i was trapped in because i've been so bad. i'm sure it's been this gloomy in the past, and i'm not sure why it was particularly noticeable to me this year. i don't want to say it was a seasonal depression, but that's really what's it's sounding like, isn't it? 

   ❥ i started reading a book recently, kitchen by banana yoshimoto. i may be biased since she is a japanese author and i am japanese, but her storytelling style and character building is so endearing and similar to how i think of my life and the people in it that i couldn't help but fall in love with her writing. i would highly recommend if you have fallen out of love with reading books, because this helped me get out of that. i'm not finished yet, but i'll update once i do.

    ❥ i've been spiraling about death for the past few days, in a very serious and deep way. i've never been one to think very hard about death, or be afraid of it, but for some reason it came into my mind one night and i have not been able to let it go since then. i've gone down every route; what does it feel like, what happens after, what does it feel like to not exist, i'm going to be so sad once everything is over, i'm so scared of it because i don't know what it will feel like. etc. it took me a day to really process how i was feeling, all the fear and sadness and grief and dread. however, i did some reading on reddit and it actually really helped me to know i'm not the only one feeling this way. i'm not religious in any way, my mom introduced light Buddhism to me growing up, and i guess i believe that our ancestors stick around in some way, but there was never any emphasis on the afterlife or a heaven and hell situation. i cried many times, thinking about how sad i'll be when i never get to talk to my mom again, or hear her laugh or her jokes. how sad i'll be when i never get to ask my dad for advice or hear his stories again. but, then i saw this post when i was laying in my bed, sobbing and scrolling through the death reddit: 

    ❥ so then i realized that the only solution is to be grateful for the people in my life, and how fortunate i am to have been born in the same timeline as them. everyone has so much to give, and it's such a shame to hold grudges or be angry for something that really holds no weight in the grand scheme of things. this is by no means me telling you to blindly forgive everyone in your life for everything, i'm just saying that, as a person that has very high expectations for people and holds them to that (probably too harshly), sometimes it's better for the soul to just let things go. because they were mistakes. and i make mistakes, too. they aren't always character-defining incidences. giving people seconds chances is really hard, like really super hard. but honestly, it's easier to just let things go and be okay with it than to hold that weight all the time. this was my lesson for the winter season. i love my mom and dad, and all my friends, and the mentors and colleagues in my life, everyone i've ever met, everyone i ever will meet. and it's better to bask in that love and gratuity than hold petty grudges and be sad that it will all end eventually. because what then? you can't do anything about it. so. whatever. anyway, that's been my conclusion to that death issue. 

    ❥ february is the month of listening to music and counting your blessings. also for taking care of yourself physically, because as much as i hate to say it, sleeping and eating well and planning ahead do really change your life for the better. doing little things for yourself makes a big difference in big things being easier down the line.

    ❥ february favorites:

                    𐙚 this is my february spotify playlist: february playlist

                    𐙚 i discovered that my skin gets very Dry And Irritated in the cold. so any oat product has                             been a grail this winter. this one's good cause it has oat powder and stuff in it :] good oat stuff

                    𐙚 also been really liking honey in my coffee. so. try that i guess if you don't like your coffee                         too sweet but also not too bitter. 

                    𐙚 these brie bites are so yummy omg. and so convenient for lunch. i got them at costco. one                         thing i don't like about them is that they're in individual plastic containers, but it does keep 

                     them fresh so. recycle plz. BRIE BITESSS

                    𐙚 banana yoshimoto kitchen. you need to read it. kitchen

                    𐙚 i watched this movie with my friend, it was a really fun and real depiction of young                                 sapphic love. lesbians must watch. the incredibly true adventure of two girls in love

    i think that's all i have for now. let me know what you think about death and books and movies and food i'd love to hear all of it. my email is shrimpfriedrice95@gmail.com. let's chat! if you do something weird i will track you down and sign you up for scientology.       love you, thanks for reading :T    -hiragiblu❦