my first blog post💌
❥ this has been the coldest winter ever. probably not true (historically or scientifically) but feelings-wise, it is true to me. i'm not sure why it didn't hit me before, but this winter felt grayer and sadder than any other winter in my life. december through february (now) felt like a sad cloudy cold prison that i was trapped in because i've been so bad. i'm sure it's been this gloomy in the past, and i'm not sure why it was particularly noticeable to me this year. i don't want to say it was a seasonal depression, but that's really what's it's sounding like, isn't it?
❥ i started reading a book recently, kitchen by banana yoshimoto. i may be biased since she is a japanese author and i am japanese, but her storytelling style and character building is so endearing and similar to how i think of my life and the people in it that i couldn't help but fall in love with her writing. i would highly recommend if you have fallen out of love with reading books, because this helped me get out of that. i'm not finished yet, but i'll update once i do.
❥ i've been spiraling about death for the past few days, in a very serious and deep way. i've never been one to think very hard about death, or be afraid of it, but for some reason it came into my mind one night and i have not been able to let it go since then. i've gone down every route; what does it feel like, what happens after, what does it feel like to not exist, i'm going to be so sad once everything is over, i'm so scared of it because i don't know what it will feel like. etc. it took me a day to really process how i was feeling, all the fear and sadness and grief and dread. however, i did some reading on reddit and it actually really helped me to know i'm not the only one feeling this way. i'm not religious in any way, my mom introduced light Buddhism to me growing up, and i guess i believe that our ancestors stick around in some way, but there was never any emphasis on the afterlife or a heaven and hell situation. i cried many times, thinking about how sad i'll be when i never get to talk to my mom again, or hear her laugh or her jokes. how sad i'll be when i never get to ask my dad for advice or hear his stories again. but, then i saw this post when i was laying in my bed, sobbing and scrolling through the death reddit:
❥ so then i realized that the only solution is to be grateful for the people in my life, and how fortunate i am to have been born in the same timeline as them. everyone has so much to give, and it's such a shame to hold grudges or be angry for something that really holds no weight in the grand scheme of things. this is by no means me telling you to blindly forgive everyone in your life for everything, i'm just saying that, as a person that has very high expectations for people and holds them to that (probably too harshly), sometimes it's better for the soul to just let things go. because they were mistakes. and i make mistakes, too. they aren't always character-defining incidences. giving people seconds chances is really hard, like really super hard. but honestly, it's easier to just let things go and be okay with it than to hold that weight all the time. this was my lesson for the winter season. i love my mom and dad, and all my friends, and the mentors and colleagues in my life, everyone i've ever met, everyone i ever will meet. and it's better to bask in that love and gratuity than hold petty grudges and be sad that it will all end eventually. because what then? you can't do anything about it. so. whatever. anyway, that's been my conclusion to that death issue.
❥ february is the month of listening to music and counting your blessings. also for taking care of yourself physically, because as much as i hate to say it, sleeping and eating well and planning ahead do really change your life for the better. doing little things for yourself makes a big difference in big things being easier down the line.
❥ february favorites:
𐙚 i discovered that my skin gets very Dry And Irritated in the cold. so any oat product has been a grail this winter. this one's good cause it has oat powder and stuff in it :] good oat stuff
𐙚 also been really liking honey in my coffee. so. try that i guess if you don't like your coffee too sweet but also not too bitter.
𐙚 these brie bites are so yummy omg. and so convenient for lunch. i got them at costco. one thing i don't like about them is that they're in individual plastic containers, but it does keep
𐙚 banana yoshimoto kitchen. you need to read it. kitchen
𐙚 i watched this movie with my friend, it was a really fun and real depiction of young sapphic love. lesbians must watch. the incredibly true adventure of two girls in love
i think that's all i have for now. let me know what you think about death and books and movies and food i'd love to hear all of it. my email is shrimpfriedrice95@gmail.com. let's chat! if you do something weird i will track you down and sign you up for scientology. love you, thanks for reading :T -hiragiblu❦
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